Book summary of Never Split the Difference

What if you could build strong rapport with others and find creative solutions to overcome conflicting interests?

Never Split the Difference is exactly the kind of book that helps one on this journey. It was written by Chris Voss with Tahl Raz. Voss was the FBI's chief international hostage and kidnapping negotiator from 2003 to 2007. After working on over 150 international hostage cases, he retired from the FBI and founded The Black Swan Group, a consultancy and training company that helps businesses and individuals sharpen their negotiation skills.

He distilled his insights and tactics in this book, and here are the highlights. I'd be curious what resonates with you.

People generally want to be appreciated and understood. To be a great negotiator, it is therefore important to truly understand our counterparts and show them that we "get" them. We want them to talk, and talk, and talk some more. One way to encourage that is through mirroring: copying the other person's speech patterns, body language, vocabulary, tempo and tone of voice.

Specifically, one can repeat the last one to three words (or keywords) of what someone has just said. It shows respect and concern for what they are saying and encourages them to elaborate further, providing more clarity to the situation.

While we get the other side to talk, it is equally important to listen well — with an open mind and without criticism or judgement — to give them the psychological safety to share what is on their mind. It doesn't mean we agree with them. However, when we truly understand someone's dreams, fears and the world they inhabit, mental and behavioural change becomes much more likely.

Voss recommends that we strive to reach a deep point of understanding, where we:

1. Label their fears

The quicker we interrupt the actions in the amygdala (the part of the brain that detects threats and initiates the body's fear response), the quicker we generate feelings of safety, wellbeing and trust.

2. Perform an accusation audit

An accusation audit involves listing the worst things the other party could say about us and voicing them before they can. According to Voss, this prevents negative dynamics from taking root. Since accusations often sound exaggerated when voiced aloud, stating them first encourages the other person to assert the opposite.

3. Strive for "that's right"

Voss believes that "Yes" and "You're right" are merely social niceties; they don't necessarily signify genuine buy-in. When we summarise our counterpart's viewpoint so accurately that they respond with "that's right", we lay the foundation for a real breakthrough in the negotiation.

In addition, we can involve our counterparts in creatively solving problems together using calibrated questions. These are open-ended questions that often begin with "how" or "what". The book offers the following examples:

• "How do I know if he is alive?"

• "How do I find a million dollars?"

• "How am I supposed to do that?" (the question most frequently cited in the book)

• "What about this is important for you?"

• "What do you hope to accomplish by…?"

• "How can I solve this problem?"

• "How can I help to make this better for us?"

The implication is that you want what the other person wants, but you need their help and intelligence to overcome the challenge. It appeals to very aggressive or egotistical individuals. Moreover, the other side may have valuable ideas that improve the solution, and people are far more likely to commit to outcomes they helped create.

This brings us back to the title of the book: Never Split the Difference. Voss thinks we should follow a simple rule in negotiation: never split the difference. He believes that great negotiators focus on their goals and find creative solutions to problems, instead of playing safe or being lazy by naming their positions and meeting in the middle.

"Creative solutions are almost always preceded by some degree of risk, annoyance, confusion, and conflict. Accommodation and compromise produce none of that. You have got to embrace the hard stuff. That's where the great deals are. And that's what great negotiators do." — Chris Voss

He shared a case study from a hostage negotiation he was involved in in Haiti. An aunt of a prominent Haitian politician was snatched from her car, and the kidnappers demanded $150,000. It might seem reasonable to compromise and pay $75,000, but Voss thinks that fair is no ransom, and the nephew’s side wanted the safe return of the aunt and wanted to pay nothing. Hence, Voss coached the nephew through the negotiation, and they secured her safe return for $4,751 plus a portable CD stereo before the weekend. In the book, he explains how we can "bend the reality" of another person using tactics such as deadlines, ranges, odd numbers, anchoring, non-monetary terms and appeals to fairness.

But that's not all. Voss highlights the power of hidden, unexpected pieces of information — the unknown unknowns — that can dramatically shift a negotiation in your favour. He approached every negotiation with the belief that each side holds at least three Black Swans: pieces of information that would change everything if uncovered by the other side.

In 2003, he led the FBI negotiations with Dwight Watson, a tobacco farmer who drove a jeep towing a tractor into Washington to protest federal tobacco farming policies. Watson threatened to detonate bombs he claimed were inside the tractor. Police were forced to block off an eight-block area between the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument.

Thirty-six hours in, an FBI agent, Winnie Miller, who had been listening carefully to subtle references Watson made during negotiations, realised he was a devout Christian and advised Voss to use a religious reference (the Dawn of the Third Day) to persuade Watson to stand down the following morning. Watson agreed and came out, ending a 48-hour standoff.

Voss uses this story, among others, to illustrate just how important it is to listen deeply and understand the other person's worldview, where one may unearth Black Swans. It is a conviction so central to his philosophy that he named his company The Black Swan Group.

As you may have noticed, this book is full of gems that are useful in negotiation and interpersonal relationships. The book is also peppered with fascinating anecdotes which make it an engaging read. Which insights and techniques resonated most with you? Do you see any past or upcoming situation where they could be applied?

I wrote this summary to help me to consolidate my learnings and apply them; knowing is one thing, but sometimes overriding old habits and adopting new behaviours is harder. Whatever you take away from this summary, I wish you every success in implementing them and hope you will discover more insights from the book itself.